Saving Virginia

Saving Virginia

Gun fantasy scenarios. In our gun fantasies, the righteous hero (you, me, Arnold, Dirty Harry, whoever) confronts the evildoer and deals to him (or her). But how realistic are these fantasies? This poem plays out a few scenarios.
SAVING VIRGINIA

The truth is that one concealed weapon
(Licensed, of course, and legal)
Will take down the meanest killer born.
As the wisdom of the Framers of the Constitution puts it,
"Recognizing that safety lies in firepower, the State
Will never constrain the liberties of the People
To hold arms in their possession
And to carry them,
Openly or concealed."
Some examples follow
To illustrate the wisdom of the Framers.
The Constitution that the Framers made
Is, and always will be,
The Ultimate Wisdom.
If this were not so
I would not have told you so.

The family feeding problems
Of Caliban Cain Virginia,
His wife and seven kids,
Were resolved when the voices broadcasting to his brain from Upper Egypt
Asked him the vital question:
What would Jesus do?
He did it,
And there were many, many, many flowers at the funeral.

Colonel Excalibur Plato Virginia's tottering marriage was saved,
Thank God and mercy,
When he with a little whiskey in him
Mistook his wife for a burglar,
And shot the bad-tempered bitch
Five times in the back of the head
In self-defense.


Saint Virginia Daycare Center was saved
When little Miss Muffit,
Age five,
Pulled out her Glock
And wasted the drunken psycho with the beer bottle grin.
(And, into the bargain, offed little Billy Bison,
Age four and three quarters,
With whom she had never got on.)
Mrs President, one day, perhaps?

Virginia Veterans Restcare was saved
When Scraw Burke McScree,
Age 85,
Heavily into the Alzheimer's zone,
Cranked his vintage Browning out
And launched one, two, three, four, five, six, seven bullets
Into the seriously scary girl scout
Who had blundered into his haywire
When she came round selling cookies.
Great work, McScree!
(But a bit of a pity about the doctor and the nurse.)

Virginia Tech was spared a second carnage
When plucky Harrietta saved the day.
This cherry Mayflower virgin,
Miss Harrietta Lucinda Potter-Brown,
Saw the danger posed by the queer Jew writer,
Screwball student poet of extremely oddball verse.
Her alarms fell on deaf ears, but she
Solved his problem quite without publicity,
Up close and personal in a mode of wetwork.
So that was the end of Allen Ginsberg,
Not one of us, no way,
A nutso weirdo, but stopped before he started.
Congratulations, Miss Harrietta!
This year's Nobel Peacemaker Prize
Is on its way!

Our lesson done, sweet children, gather round
And let us sing our praise song:
God Bless America.

********************
********************

What follows is a sampling of some (not all, of course) of the "shot dead" search results for Google News as found when the time in Japan was about 1630 on Monday 23 April 2007. The search was for "shot dead" excluding any page which made any reference to Virginia Tech.

[*] 2 shot dead at Laguna Beach resort
Los Angeles Times, CA - 25 minutes ago
Authorities are looking into several possibilities, including whether the woman shot the man — perhaps during the confrontation with police. ...


[*] Man shot dead on North Side; police seek 3 involved in fight
Columbus Dispatch, OH - 3 hours ago
A shooting at a North Side apartment complex early yesterday left one man dead and the police looking for three people. ...

[*] Woman shot dead in her car in North Las Vegas alley
KSBY, CA - 12 hours ago
LAS VEGAS North Las Vegas police say they found a woman shot dead in her car in an alley early this morning. Police responded at about 6:30 this

[*] KARE Teen Shot Dead On St. Paul Bus
WCCO, MN - 17 hours ago
(AP) St. Paul A teenager was shot to death on a Metro Transit bus in downtown St. Paul around midnight Saturday night, police said. ...
Bus Shooting Victim's Family Speaks FOX 9 News
all 18 news articles »

[*] Two shot dead at NASA
Melbourne Herald Sun, Australia - Apr 21, 2007
A NASA contract worker took a handgun inside an office building at Johnson Space Centre in Houston yesterday and fatally shot a hostage before killing ...

[*] Man Shot Dead Outside Club
Boston Channel.com, MA - Apr 21, 2007
While they were sitting in a vehicle, someone shot at them, police said. A bullet grazed the driver's arm and killed the passenger.

One Concealed Weapon Would Have Saved Virginia Tech

One Concealed Weapon Would Have Saved Virginia Tech

SAVING VIRGINIA

The truth is that one concealed weapon
(Licensed, of course, and legal)
Will take down the meanest killer born.
As the wisdom of the Framers of the Constitution puts it,
"Recognizing that safety lies in firepower, the State
Will never constrain the liberties of the People
To hold arms in their possession
And to carry them,
Openly or concealed."
Some examples follow
To illustrate the wisdom of the Framers.
The Constitution that the Framers made
Is, and always will be,
The Ultimate Wisdom.
If this were not so
I would not have told you so.

The family feeding problems
Of Caliban Cain Virginia,
His wife and seven kids,
Were resolved when the voices broadcasting to his brain from Upper Egypt
Asked him the vital question:
What would Jesus do?
He did it,
And there were many, many, many flowers at the funeral.

Colonel Excalibur Plato Virginia's tottering marriage was saved,
Thank God and mercy,
When he with a little whiskey in him
Mistook his wife for a burglar,
And shot the bad-tempered bitch
Five times in the back of the head
In self-defense.


Saint Virginia Daycare Center was saved
When little Miss Muffit,
Age five,
Pulled out her Glock
And wasted the drunken psycho with the beer bottle grin.
(And, into the bargain, offed little Billy Bison,
Age four and three quarters,
With whom she had never got on.)
Mrs President, one day, perhaps?

Virginia Veterans Restcare was saved
When Scraw Burke McScree,
Age 85,
Heavily into the Alzheimer's zone,
Cranked his vintage Browning out
And launched one, two, three, four, five, six, seven bullets
Into the seriously scary girl scout
Who had blundered into his haywire
When she came round selling cookies.
Great work, McScree!
(But a bit of a pity about the doctor and the nurse.)

Virginia Tech was spared a second carnage
When plucky Harrietta saved the day.
This cherry Mayflower virgin,
Miss Harrietta Lucinda Potter-Brown,
Saw the danger posed by the queer Jew writer,
Screwball student poet of extremely oddball verse.
Her alarms fell on deaf ears, but she
Solved his problem quite without publicity,
Up close and personal in a mode of wetwork.
So that was the end of Allen Ginsberg,
Not one of us, no way,
A nutso weirdo, but stopped before he started.
Congratulations, Miss Harrietta!
This year's Nobel Peacemaker Prize
Is on its way!

Our lesson done, sweet children, gather round
And let us sing our praise song:
God Bless America.

********************
********************

What follows is a sampling of some (not all, of course) of the "shot dead" search results for Google News as found when the time in Japan was about 1630 on Monday 23 April 2007. The search was for "shot dead" excluding any page which made any reference to Virginia Tech.

[*] 2 shot dead at Laguna Beach resort
Los Angeles Times, CA - 25 minutes ago
Authorities are looking into several possibilities, including whether the woman shot the man — perhaps during the confrontation with police. ...


[*] Man shot dead on North Side; police seek 3 involved in fight
Columbus Dispatch, OH - 3 hours ago
A shooting at a North Side apartment complex early yesterday left one man dead and the police looking for three people. ...

[*] Woman shot dead in her car in North Las Vegas alley
KSBY, CA - 12 hours ago
LAS VEGAS North Las Vegas police say they found a woman shot dead in her car in an alley early this morning. Police responded at about 6:30 this

[*] KARE Teen Shot Dead On St. Paul Bus
WCCO, MN - 17 hours ago
(AP) St. Paul A teenager was shot to death on a Metro Transit bus in downtown St. Paul around midnight Saturday night, police said. ...
Bus Shooting Victim's Family Speaks FOX 9 News
all 18 news articles »

[*] Two shot dead at NASA
Melbourne Herald Sun, Australia - Apr 21, 2007
A NASA contract worker took a handgun inside an office building at Johnson Space Centre in Houston yesterday and fatally shot a hostage before killing ...

[*] Man Shot Dead Outside Club
Boston Channel.com, MA - Apr 21, 2007
While they were sitting in a vehicle, someone shot at them, police said. A bullet grazed the driver's arm and killed the passenger.